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food for thought....

i want to preface what i am about to say with one undeniable fact: i am SO completely thankful for everything that has happened to me thus far in my short existence, especially since last summer. that being said....these are some of my thoughts about it all. about life.

You know, its nice to get everything you think you have ever wanted. It feels good. It feels damn good. And you live it and your having an amazing time and it just rushes by so fast. And its like...you never get to stop and think about how freaking lucky you are and how life is fleeting. It just happens in the blink of an eye and then its over. You cry and mope or celebrate and smile depending on which end the goodbye came from.
The worst part doesnt come for a few weeks...maybe a month. Thats when it settles. Suddenly you realize...one of two things "what the fuck am i doing" or "why the fuck did it end". And then you feel all that sucky stuff at once...lonliness, regret, lack of confidence, a need to binge on junk food, a temporary lull into the super-emo far-out reaches of your ipod. You get the point. It sucks. And you cry like a motherfucker. And you annoy all your friends constantly about it. But, I digress.
The point is...well the point is that when things are good they are really good but you don't ever stop and smell the coffee. And when its all over you realize how damn lucky you were and that you didnt even enjoy it to the fullest potential. And then all that elatedness just leaves your body and is immediately replaced with an abysmal emptiness. Its like....quoting the great karen o'holla (ohh thats a total jk btw) "ok, so what?". So what is the point of all these great romances, these great flings, when your left with such emptiness at the end.
Thats the whole thing....its all about the chase. The anticipation...the rush of knowing its all on the verge and the scale is gonna tip any moment in your favor. But once you have passed the tipping point, its all downhill from there. You might not even enjoy it. The preplanning and pondering just makes thing worse, because theres no element of surprise, no extra spark or romance. But you put on a happy face to everyone else, of course your enjoying it, its all you have ever wanted, all you ever needed. And then when its over well thats when the "so what?" creeps in and you feel like you have just wasted entirely too much time and have not even begun to be satisfied.

Now here comes the worst part. Ok so you have been through the chase a few times and you have gotten what you wanted and everyone goes "oh your so lucky". But still, your empty inside. But of course...out of all those "lucky" situations you have been in, one thing stands out, the one that wasnt so lucky... one that you actually did appreciate, actually were surprised by, actually felt, truly and deeply felt. One that changed you...for the better and forever. I mean everything we do teaches us some lesson through its natural course, but thats not the same as change. I mean that really tangible change, the kind you can almost taste or feel. Maybe its like an aura thing, you know, the change makes you glow just a little brighter.
So anyway, this is the one, for now at least. And your empty. And you know this one thing that at one time you had, thats the only thing that can really ever fill that emptiness. Because as many times as you wash, rinse and repeat, however many times the cycle repeats itself, you really wont find a viable sustitute. So you have wasted all this time being "lucky" and getting what you want....when its all a total facade. You know exactly what you want, you just can't own up to it.
And when you finally do own up to it, guess what? It's gone. Or at least it seems gone. But you know, I think you have to give it a fighting chance, and you will know when its worth fighting for. So this is it, this one tiny little intangible hope and prayer and wish is all you have left. And you have to do everything in your power to get it back, or at least come to terms with the fact that you cannot and will not ever have it again. So, what stance do you take? There are a couple options:

a. I am a strong confident woman. I will get what I want when I want it.
(OK way too girl power!!!! and way too unrealistic)
b. It's meant to be, I just know it....
(A nice thought, and definetely something back there in your head, but a surefire way to set yourself up for major disppointment)
c. Stay cool, stay cool, stay cool, and dont be too agressive.
(Probably the best strategy, one that is hard for the highly exciteable nature of the whole thing, but sound advice.)
d. Its not happening, I just need to be prepared for the worst, get this shiiiitte over with.
(Pessimistic, sad, depressing, and not a good attitude)

So basically, theres a fine line between confidence and heartbreak. Too sure of yourself and it all goes to hell when you dont get what you want. But there is also a fine line between pessimism and failure. You need to believe in yourself, because as I wise friend told me, "Luck only runs out when you stop believing in myself."

So I go forward, strong, resilient, if not slightly tense and realistic. Who knows what will happen? Maybe there really is no such thing as luck. Maybe its all a bigger picture. Like, an ironic big picture. But how am I supposed to know. I am just a tiny little dot of a person. But this little dot isnt about to give up in the endless search for what is pure illusion and whats the real deal. Perception and reality are often farther apart than we think. The "luck" may have run out,but for a good reason??? I feel like once the luck is gone, I can start getting real about myself. Real about how life isnt fair, about how I have so much life ahead of me to figure it out, how you cant always get what you want, and how the little surprises in life often turn out to be the greatest loves of all....


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