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oh what a night

here's to late late nights.

--meeting your 7th cousin on myspace who happens to be in an almost-signed band of hot (minus cousin cuz eww) 20-something guys.

--saving people from hooking up with their cousins.

i could elaborate but i do not really feel like it--lets just say that cousins are the recurring theme of the night

oh internet: how i love thee, let me count the ways.....

should i go to sleep?

oh no way in hell.

later kids.

oh how time flies

its just so...weird. like i am listening to my friends and they are either going to or applying to college.

fucking college

it is just too bizarre.

in a year i will be applying to college. applying to princeton....the moment i have been waiting for for what seems like all my life. not to be melodramatic which I have already become but thats just fucking intense. like exactly 3/4 of a year from today I will *hopefully* have my license. i am growing up and like i know i am but i dont feel it. when i get in the car and drive i mean i know i am driving but i dont realize the matureness of what i am doing. every day it seems i am turning more and more into the person i am going to be. whether it is my appearance, my work, my relationships, my freedom. its exciting but its also a little daunting. because you know sometimes its just asking yourself, "is this a good choice?" or "how will this help me/hurt me?" and the amount of things you have to apply those questions to just seems to increase exponentially. i have a hell of a lot of decisions to make this year. in each and every category you can possibly think of. i feel like an atomic bomb is about to drop on me, about to totally change everything. i know i have made som pretty positive choices thus far....beginning with deciding to quit marching band. i mean...if i was still in i would have minicamp tomorrow. the thought of being able to wake up at 12, go to the pool, read a little, and talk to my friends instead of being at sbhs from 9-5 just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

no but seriously.....i have 2 weeks left of somewhat freedom. and then....life happens, the shit hits the fan. not only do i have junior year but also the impending arrival of umm certain persons not to mention a whole bunch of jsa (which makes me happy but is a lot of travel) and well then amnesty but that should be k.a. with vivs new expertise. plus i am going to attempt to have some semblance of a social life even though half my friends are field hockey whores, another half are college app whores, and somewhere in between there are the band whores. i am a whore to jsa i suppose. it just not an all consuming whorage. hahah. whorage. thats a new one. but yeah as always a goal for this year will be to become close with some new people and have good times. so lets make a list of goals for the year.

1) Do well academically, this includes APs SATs and keeping that damn gpa up.
2) Meet new people, meet old people, have good times, and look fab 24/7.
3) Do good work with JSA, Amnesty, internship: make a difference in the world through those outlets.
4) Become a healthier more zen person.
5) See some good shows, especially d<3d and johnnnnn.
6) Get my license on May 23, 2005.
7) Pursue higher office in JSA.
8) Maybe, just maybe if there is time in there...have a meaningful relationship, not flings just based on the physical, which I am sick and tired of because thats all i have had and they have all left me shallow and empty inside. (I am sorry but when I think about that i just get melodramatic again)

Will I acheive it all? Probably not. But can I dream? Of course.

timshel

zuma/symposium=amazing. i would elaborate, but its kind of one of those things you just want to think about and not really write down. i miss everyone mucho especially the zumans.

so i am very happy with my life when it comes to all things jsa. me=director of activism.

other than that....blah.

procrastination has hit an all time high?

i dont wanna be a junior *cries*

i hate summer work but i love east of eden.

tucker max....disgusting yet fabulous.

yay for new laguna beach.

adios.
I OFFICIALLY HATE AP CLASSES. AND ITS NOT EVEN SEPTEMBER.

Let us make a lovely list of things I have to do this week.

1) Write an essay for APUSH.
2) Get as much APUSH/APENG done as possible.
3) Go out with the grandparents for dinner one night or something.
4) Tan.
5) Get a mani/pedi on Thursday.
6) Go to work on Tuesday and Thursday.
7)Make lists of what I need to pack.
8) Pack........
9) Clean my room.
10) Wake up ridiculously early on Friday morning to go to the airport.


If I get all those things done I can go to Zuma with some peace of mind..........

I absolutely cannot wait for Friday. The day I have been waiting for alllllll summer. Insanity.

I <3 JSA.

I miss my friends in South Brunswick

Google Earth rocks my socks off.

The end.

food for thought....

i want to preface what i am about to say with one undeniable fact: i am SO completely thankful for everything that has happened to me thus far in my short existence, especially since last summer. that being said....these are some of my thoughts about it all. about life.



You know, its nice to get everything you think you have ever wanted. It feels good. It feels damn good. And you live it and your having an amazing time and it just rushes by so fast. And its like...you never get to stop and think about how freaking lucky you are and how life is fleeting. It just happens in the blink of an eye and then its over. You cry and mope or celebrate and smile depending on which end the goodbye came from.
The worst part doesnt come for a few weeks...maybe a month. Thats when it settles. Suddenly you realize...one of two things "what the fuck am i doing" or "why the fuck did it end". And then you feel all that sucky stuff at once...lonliness, regret, lack of confidence, a need to binge on junk food, a temporary lull into the super-emo far-out reaches of your ipod. You get the point. It sucks. And you cry like a motherfucker. And you annoy all your friends constantly about it. But, I digress.
The point is...well the point is that when things are good they are really good but you don't ever stop and smell the coffee. And when its all over you realize how damn lucky you were and that you didnt even enjoy it to the fullest potential. And then all that elatedness just leaves your body and is immediately replaced with an abysmal emptiness. Its like....quoting the great karen o'holla (ohh thats a total jk btw) "ok, so what?". So what is the point of all these great romances, these great flings, when your left with such emptiness at the end.
Thats the whole thing....its all about the chase. The anticipation...the rush of knowing its all on the verge and the scale is gonna tip any moment in your favor. But once you have passed the tipping point, its all downhill from there. You might not even enjoy it. The preplanning and pondering just makes thing worse, because theres no element of surprise, no extra spark or romance. But you put on a happy face to everyone else, of course your enjoying it, its all you have ever wanted, all you ever needed. And then when its over well thats when the "so what?" creeps in and you feel like you have just wasted entirely too much time and have not even begun to be satisfied.


Now here comes the worst part. Ok so you have been through the chase a few times and you have gotten what you wanted and everyone goes "oh your so lucky". But still, your empty inside. But of course...out of all those "lucky" situations you have been in, one thing stands out, the one that wasnt so lucky... one that you actually did appreciate, actually were surprised by, actually felt, truly and deeply felt. One that changed you...for the better and forever. I mean everything we do teaches us some lesson through its natural course, but thats not the same as change. I mean that really tangible change, the kind you can almost taste or feel. Maybe its like an aura thing, you know, the change makes you glow just a little brighter.
So anyway, this is the one, for now at least. And your empty. And you know this one thing that at one time you had, thats the only thing that can really ever fill that emptiness. Because as many times as you wash, rinse and repeat, however many times the cycle repeats itself, you really wont find a viable sustitute. So you have wasted all this time being "lucky" and getting what you want....when its all a total facade. You know exactly what you want, you just can't own up to it.
And when you finally do own up to it, guess what? It's gone. Or at least it seems gone. But you know, I think you have to give it a fighting chance, and you will know when its worth fighting for. So this is it, this one tiny little intangible hope and prayer and wish is all you have left. And you have to do everything in your power to get it back, or at least come to terms with the fact that you cannot and will not ever have it again. So, what stance do you take? There are a couple options:

a. I am a strong confident woman. I will get what I want when I want it.
(OK way too girl power!!!! and way too unrealistic)
b. It's meant to be, I just know it....
(A nice thought, and definetely something back there in your head, but a surefire way to set yourself up for major disppointment)
c. Stay cool, stay cool, stay cool, and dont be too agressive.
(Probably the best strategy, one that is hard for the highly exciteable nature of the whole thing, but sound advice.)
d. Its not happening, I just need to be prepared for the worst, get this shiiiitte over with.
(Pessimistic, sad, depressing, and not a good attitude)

So basically, theres a fine line between confidence and heartbreak. Too sure of yourself and it all goes to hell when you dont get what you want. But there is also a fine line between pessimism and failure. You need to believe in yourself, because as I wise friend told me, "Luck only runs out when you stop believing in myself."

So I go forward, strong, resilient, if not slightly tense and realistic. Who knows what will happen? Maybe there really is no such thing as luck. Maybe its all a bigger picture. Like, an ironic big picture. But how am I supposed to know. I am just a tiny little dot of a person. But this little dot isnt about to give up in the endless search for what is pure illusion and whats the real deal. Perception and reality are often farther apart than we think. The "luck" may have run out,but for a good reason??? I feel like once the luck is gone, I can start getting real about myself. Real about how life isnt fair, about how I have so much life ahead of me to figure it out, how you cant always get what you want, and how the little surprises in life often turn out to be the greatest loves of all....

things to do

things to do:

-brush my teeth like now
-also sleep, like now
-read east of eden
-read all those essays for apeng
-read my fucking apush textbook
-write my fucking apush essay
-plan the minicon
-revise stuff for jsa
-figure out what i need to bring on my big trip
-get an extreme makeover, like a new face or something
-tan more
-buy clothes for school
-buy grey cons
-go to spain sometime in the next year
-do my ap calc assignment
-bask in the glow of life without marching band
-buy on the strength of all convinced cuz i mean i limewired the whole thing duh but i feel bad cuz its illegal and plus i want to buy it and plus i want the hidden track
-oh and also snag a dld shirt cuz i couldnt go to the show cuz vivy went to asia and :(
-get tickets for john mayer trio
-get tickets for coldplay
-meet a boy at the shore
-meet a boy in general
-continue with my digital burn book-----oh its so sweet i take pictures of ppl i basically hate from myspace nd then draw mean things on them in psp. its pointless except for letting out my pent up frustration and madness. and because i have nothing better to do.
-have tons of fun with jill before she leaves
-not kill myself next week (uggh dont ask)
-or the week after when im stuck in my house for a week (again dont ask)
-get really really pumped for cali and figure out what i need to pack and make lists
-figure out when all my loversss are coming to stay a la playa
-ummmmmmmm idk. not be a waste of life

so there.
and the breakfast club...i cant decide if i like it or if its overrated????

and ummm this summer needs to go die. and come back from the dead and be better.

Jul. 26th, 2005

I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.


-thats how i feel??? idk who said that. but its pure genius..

thanks for the talk abs. and assorted others.

Jul. 22nd, 2005

holy shit. its been a year.

i miss you all and i love you more than you could ever know and dont ever forget that.

wow. this year has just been so.....different. the first year of a new me.

years arent measured from january 1 anymore. they will always and forever be measured from that rainy friday at the end of july when everything changed. so year 1 is done. lets see what year 2 brings....


<3 emo julia

Jul. 15th, 2005

i am listening to old school hanson.

how sad.

this summer sucks. i repeat sucks.

at least tomorrow i get to go back to sb and chill with the crew and go be harry potter dorks and buy the books at midnight. cuz we are just THAT cool.

Jul. 7th, 2005

i just need to let out a big sigh.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

ok so i just breathed in and out for a long time and i dont feel any better. this summer sucks. sUcKs. ahhhh. too bad so sad. i have to write all this shit and do all these math problems and not have any friends at the beach not to mention nonexistent love life. and eww. its just boring. and i wish i was somewhere else. anywhere else but stuck with my parents all day everyday. my mother is driving me insane. at least i will get to drive this weekend. a lot or so my mother promises.

week1--over. how insane am i---i actually want the summer to be over. eww. im a freak.